I saw that new 3D Beowulf movie last week. The one where name actors like Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie had their performances captured by a computer and mapped onto CGI versions of themselves. I thought it was a fun, cheesy adventure flick. I’ve talked to others about it since then, however, and come to one conclusion: It’s time to retire the term “uncanny valley.” Honestly, is it so hard to say “the facial expressions aren’t animated enough” or “the eyes don’t catch the camera” or “the horses move like a three-frame hentai sequence”? No, we have to drop the Uncanny Valley into the conversation, which simultaneously makes us sound informed and absolves us of actually thinking about the CGI in question.

Unfortunately we can’t wish away a meme that’s attached itself like a tick to our media discourse. But we can dilute it with corresponding terms for other phenomena. To that end, I humbly submit the following lexicon of creepy Valleys:

Uncanny Valley - When a character looks almost, but not quite natural.

Uncampy Valley - When you’re not quite sure if the movie is stupid by design.

Orc Army Valley - When a large group of characters behaves almost, but not quite naturally. The plural equivalent of the Uncanny Valley. The term comes from the Lord of the Rings movies, but also applies to real-world gatherings such as infomercial audiences and political conventions.

Unfunny Valley - When the movie is a setup that can’t find its punchline. Often applied to third-string CGI fare like Bee Movie and Shark Tale, but equally appropriate for poorly-animated cartoon characters like Eddie Murphy and Mike Meyers.

Art Carney Valley - The nagging feeling that a cartoon character was ripped off from some earlier source.

Oncology Valley - When a healthy actress seems to catch a wasting disease (cf.Jennifer Connelly). Also applies to cosmetic surgery that looks like it was performed by a mortician.

Uncle Ernie Valley - When an old actor is paired with Catherine Zeta-Jones.